Family Dynamics

Family dynamics is one area in ministry that continues to amaze me. I always say “when there is a funeral or a wedding – we see the horns come out”. Although this is true, the reality is that anytime families get together there can potentially be issues. The question always comes up “Why?” … “Why does this happen to families?” Here is my take on this, families are comfortable with each other, families have history with each other, and families know each other more than anyone else.

I was raised in a large city in a middle class family. We started out as a poor family, but by the time I was in Jr. High, we were solidly in ‘middle class’ range. This probably was the cause of some of the confusion and struggles. Our mom still acted as if we were poor and us kids didn’t understand it. I am glad for that now because I have an understanding of money and not living beyond my means. There were four boys and then three girls that were adopted later. Although I never lived with the three sisters (they were adopted after I was out of the house) I love them and treat them as one of my siblings – because they are! But because of the large gap in ages, our different lifestyles, our parents divorced after I was married and our living in different parts of the state, we had not gotten together as siblings in almost 24 years – until last summer.

My youngest brother, along with the middle sister, began organizing our first sibling reunion. I was all excited about it, until I found that our mom had also been invited. We had determined that since our parents had divorced and there was still some ‘issues’ there, that we would not invite either parent. Our father passed away before the event, so the youngest brother invited mom now that dad was not around. This is where the family dynamics began. 🙂 Mom has always been the catalyst for ‘issues’ and ‘drama’ in our family. She knows us better than most and knows what sets us off … and uses that to ‘help’ her cause.

The weekend went off great (with a few minor ‘issues’). Mainly because everyone was walking on eggshells. But after the weekend was over … there it went. Problems with one grandchild putting pictures on the internet without prior approval and problems with who paid and who didn’t pay.

Today, most would say … “yea, it was fun, but maybe we will wait a while for another one”. Sad as it may seem, it is probably more common than not. Family ‘issues’ or family dynamics – whatever you want to call it – can ruin any family get together.

I do have a solution though … forget and forgive! I know, it seems too simple. But it really is. As families grow apart, they also grow older. Growing older does something to everyone – it changes them. I am NOTHING like I was 10 years ago or for that matter 24 years ago. I also do not believe I will be the same 10 years from now.

So first – forget! Forget who they were, what they did, how they acted, their past personality and learn who they are today! Set aside what you think about them because of past mistakes and get to know them for who they are today. You may still not like them, but at least they cannot say “I am not that person anymore”. You can say “You are right, but the person you are today I still do not like”, but at least you will not be making assumptions about them. Who knows – you might even like them more today! Also forget what others say about them. Every family member is vying for acceptance for each other. If they have to ‘stretch the truth’ a bit to make that happen – they will. So will you – so don’t judge them for it! Do not take what one family member says about another family member as truth unless you saw or heard it with your own eyes. Forget!

And then forgive! Forgive them for the hurts they did in the past, the hurts they did yesterday, the hurts they did today AND the hurts they will do tomorrow! Forgiveness is a wonderful thing! It releases the power or influence they had over you. When you don’t forgive, you are saying “the thing you did to me has control over my emotions and actions”. That is exactly what unforgiveness is. Forgive – allow that hurt to go away and take control back of your emotions and actions.

Family dynamics is a funny thing. This post will probably make my family unhappy – hope they will forgive and forget, but what all of what I have said is true. Just in case you are saying “Why don’t you?”. I have! This blog is about helping others, not slamming my family – I love each and everyone of them and I know I have forgotten and forgiven!

So the next time your family gets together – take my advice and forget and forgive before you walk in the door – your time will be much better and you will have a time of your life! I know I did!